A cheat sheet
January 22, 2022
I didn’t get to write you a letter yesterday because I was too excited about you coming over. I learned the chords for Somewhere Over The Rainbow instead so I could play it for you when you arrived. I thought I had it all memorized but I guess I got a little nervous when you were finally in front of me and I ended up forgetting half the song.
I hope you enjoyed watching me play though, my serious kalimba face seems to amuse you as much as my emphatic singing of All Out of Love does. I like making a fool out of myself with you as my only audience. I love hearing you laugh.
***
You left for work today at around 3:30 in the afternoon. I was about to feel sad about having to say good-bye to you again but I told myself that it was better to have spent another day and another night with you than none at all. I used to hate feeling like the clingy one, I thought it made me look weak. But with you I feel no shame. I feel comfortable expressing all the affection I have for you because you gave me a safe space to do so.
***
Under the blessing of Santa Ana we were able to talk about how being upset was like for you and me. I was hesitant in bringing it up because I didn’t want you to misunderstand my intentions, I had only wanted to see things from your perspective even before anything goes wrong. I’m glad you humored me and saw why I felt it was necessary to discuss.
My only regret is that I wasn’t prepared to talk about my side. I didn’t expect to be baffled by the same question I asked you, I really thought I knew myself better than that. I told you I usually keep quiet and in my silence, I often focus on solving things on my own. You told me it would have to be you and me coming up solutions should things ever reach the point of argument. I agree, wholeheartedly.
Now that I have had some time to think about things, I realized that when I get upset, I don’t really get angry. I get sad. I get sad and feel disappointment and my hang ups about trusting people kick in. My hyper-independence switch turns on, and before I know it, all my walls come back up, resisting any immediate attempts to be taken down. It’s horrible for me but even more horrible for the person who’s the object of my frustration.
I don’t want to scare you away but I do acknowledge how bright a red flag that is. And I especially understand how worrisome that could be because I also get quiet when I’m just thinking of nothing, when I’m thinking about brain farts, and when I’m thinking about how to stop myself from feeling horny (haha). For what it’s worth, I’ll do my best to be better and I’ll do my best to say how I feel right away. I may need a little help getting out of my shell in this regard.
So here’s a little cheat sheet if your gut tells you there might be something bothering me:
Trust your gut and ask me if there’s anything wrong. I could never lie about that and even if I did try to lie, my face and tone will always betray me
When I say I need time to think, it’s only cos I don’t have the words to explain myself yet. If waiting makes you anxious, let me know.
When I attempt to explain how I feel, I sometimes talk in metaphors. It’s not because I want to obscure anything, it’s just that it’s easier for me to show you what’s going on in my head that way. I apologize in advance if my metaphors don’t make sense. You’ll have to tell me you don’t get it.
To be honest, I rarely get upset. But when I do, it’s highly likely one of the following things: a) I am cactus and insecure, b) I don’t feel heard, and c) I am frustrated by something that keeps on happening over and over again. It’s really just those things. The first is fairly straightforward, the other two are the ones more difficult for me to talk about.
I also cry and get depressive when I’m upset. Please don’t feel guilty when the tears start shedding. That’s just how I am. Some people shout, some people throw stuff, I just burst into tears.
These are all the things I can think of off the top of my head. I’m sorry this isn’t exactly a love letter. But I guess it’s something you need to read about, too. And while I don’t even want to entertain the idea of us fighting over anything, I’m happy that at the very least we’ve pried open this can of potential worms together and took a peek at what’s hiding in the shadows.
***
For you, I want to be a better person. It is worth all the effort.
