The last letter for now

February 13, 2022

Tomorrow will be Valentine’s day and you’ll finally get to read this stash of notes. Ideally, this should be the last letter you will have read from this batch. However, if you find yourself reading this first then I guess it doesn’t really matter where you start.

I initially wanted to write you a whole month’s worth of letters but I found myself somewhat lacking in words to say on some days. Not because I didn’t really have anything to say but it’s mostly cos I talk to you everyday. And everyday and any day, I would rather tell you right away what it is that I feel— all that I long for and all that I ache for and all the dumb places my brain goes to when I’m laying in bed on my own. Why keep quiet and write my thoughts in letters when I can just immediately tell you how much I love you a dozen times a day? I hope you know how happy you’ve made me and how secure and loved you’ve made me feel. 

I’ve never been the clingy one nor have I ever been generous when it comes to verbalizing how I feel yet here I am shamelessly telling you how much I adore you and how I long to be with you every single day. I am not at all embarrassed by how I feel nor do I feel terrified of the intensity of my emotions. Maybe it’s cos I’ve grown up. Maybe I’ve loved myself well enough to have gained the ability to share myself more without becoming less of a person. And maybe I know better now when it comes to telling apart the things I feel — the intoxicating and unhealthy kind from the ones that are genuine and emotionally nourishing. Casting all “maybes” aside, one thing I know is for sure: with you, no matter what you do with it, my heart is in good hands.

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I’m giving you all of these gifts because I think you’re worth this much love and more. And because the tragic thing about you being born as yourself is that you’ll never know how it feels like to be loved by you. It’s wonderful and I can only attempt to make you feel the same way through all of these. I love you, Babu!