I have never

March 18, 2022

I spent last night and half of today with you. I love how you never make me feel ashamed about my clinginess and how much affection I show you. And I love how you return all those feelings to me without the need for my prompting or begging. I’ve never felt so comfortable with the amount of love I’m willing to give, to show, and to claim.

I hate being the kind of person who says “I have never (insert cheesy phrase here) before until you dropped in my life” and I’ve done my best to avoid saying any of these things. But often, when I’m with you, I feel like I’m about to burst with all kinds of I-have-nevers.

In love, I’ve never called anyone beautiful. I’ve never just stared at someone in awe, taking in every visible square inch of their body and traced every detail of their face with my eye. I’ve always been afraid to stare too long because of the few times I have tried before, I ended up feeling like a mistake on my part has been made. I believe kids these days called it “the ick”. 

But with you, I can just look all day long and and every time I look, there’s always something new about you I end up seeing. And always I end up loving you even more. Like how your nose scrunches up a bit when you’re trying to stop yourself from looking amused at something naughty or offensive. Like how your whole face lights up and you gush like a child when you get all excited. Or like how your eyes are half open and you’re giving me a wry smile when we’re facing each other in bed, caressing each other’s hair. I could never tell what you’re thinking but it just makes me happy seeing the small dimple form on the side of your cheek. In that dimple, my heart feels at home.

You really are beautiful, Babu, inside and out. I mean it. And while my spiritual allegiance to anything could be called wishy-washy at best, knowing you and having you in my life has honestly made me feel that whomever or whatever I pray to actually listens. Even to the prayers I was too ashamed to say out loud and just kept secretly in my heart in fear of disappointment. 

I always thought the chance of finding love where one never feels they’re giving too much or too little and everything feels just right was close to impossible. Yet here you are, like a miracle, blowing all that jadedness and myself away.